What if you don’t have to be who you always thought you were?



January is the best time to take on one of my favourite life changing ideas. 

Over the past decade of coaching I have worked with people who come to me for ‘dating coaching’ or ‘relationship coaching’ or ‘confidence boosting’. Of all the requests I have, each one happily gets resolved in the best way for them to move forward, at their pace and often quicker!

One thing that people have in common is that we are set up by seeing ourselves in a certain way.  lets call this ‘x way’.  When something happens that is challenging or restricting in life you know that you will be behaving in a particular way, the way that x way has always behaved.

We do this because as painful as it is to keep getting the same result, its comfortable and familure to our system.  There is also something gratifying about being able to say ‘see I told you this always happens’, or ‘I knew it would end like this’.

If you are an x in some areas of your life then maybe you have done some of these things when faced with a challenge, big or small;

  • I have let frustration build and held my anger in my body, allowing depression and numbness to creep in.


  • I have cried and thrown my toys out of the pram, shutting people out, and switching off.


  • I have felt stuck and could not see a solution.


  • I have felt sorry for myself and blamed everyone accept me.


  • I have held on to a limiting way of being that I have always been, it feels horrid but keeps me safe.


  • I have wasted time and energy staying in this place and missed out on my life!

If you have said yes to any of the above you are being honest and human.  I know that I can say yes to all of them, before I worked out there are other ways, and the biggest one is taking responsibility for yourself when something is not working.  This involves changing the way you act and react.




I hear you ask the above question and that is what this article is all about, helping you shift from a restrictive and destructive x to a y, standing for yes I can do it.  Yes is what you will say when you face that challenge and get out of your comfort zone.  Yes is what you will say when you question whether you can really change that part of you, and yes is your answer to living life to the full.

When you say yes to a challenge and try out a different route, its what you are saying no to that really creates your breakthrough.  For example, I worked with someone who started saying no to a thought he had that said, ‘I am not good enough’.  When he let go of a couple of these thoughts, he began to see clearly and that there are so many more great opportunities around him.  He started getting excited about all the things he COULD do.

Say the word ‘Yes’ out loud right now, go on be bold and turn up your volume.  Feel it in your body and feel the energy shift as you take responsibility for your next chapter.  Notice how it feels and what lights up in your face or body.

I invite you to pick one x category to work on taking responsibility and not seeing yourself as having to behave in the way you always have.   Write the x out on a large piece of paper, a small post it note, whatever works for you.




Are you the same person who was an x all those years ago, as a kid or at school, in your first relationship?

If you have changed, grown up then why would you behave in the same way?  Tell me this, are you still wearing ski leggings and baggy jumpers since childhood or has your style changed?  Changing your behavior style takes MUCH more work and its even more rewarding.

How about buddying up with a friend to change your x’s into yes’s, that way you can get support and see your friend grow too.

Please come back and tell me what you discover about yourself.

As always, it’s your journey and I am here to support you.


To speak with me about my one to one coaching please email or telephone, jo@jobarnett.com



Look forward to your success.


Jo Barnett

Dating and Breakthrough Coach